


Addict

by rosworms



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Cutting, Gen, Self Harm, self injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-26
Updated: 2014-03-26
Packaged: 2018-01-17 02:30:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1370599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosworms/pseuds/rosworms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you just trade one addiction for another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Addict

It’s not hard for an addict to find himself trapped. To find that himself addicted to something else because he’d thought he only had to avoid the first addiction and didn’t realize he had a new one until it was too late.

This is how Sam Winchester found himself addicted to the act of self harm. 

It started after the wall fell down. Pain was a coping mechanism for keeping the crazy at bay. Pain in your physical body felt different than pain in just your soul. It was a fairly simple way to tell reality from delusion.  
When the cut on his hand began to heal, the dull pain of pushing down on the injury began to fade. So he’d found a new pain. Sam and Dean were used to having to cut themselves with silver just to prove they were human, so Sam didn’t think twice about slicing into his skin to prove reality to himself. It didn't seem like a big deal.

He attributed the immediate calm and almost buzzed feeling that rushed through him to the relief of knowing he was free from the cage. He forgot that an endorphin high felt the same way and pain produced endorphins just like exercise and sex.

He didn't realize anything was wrong until he left the mental hospital without any lingering hallucinations.

Everything had been fine until he was alone in the bathroom staring at the blood running down his arm and realized what he’d done out of habit. And that he had the same buzzed feeling until he cleaned himself up.

That had been his first clue. When he consciously tried to stop, he found himself short tempered, distracted, and feeling generally shitty. Then he was back in the bathroom again.

He didn't truly admit his addiction to himself until he was forced to admit it out loud. Dean had opened the bathroom door without knocking. It was bound to happen eventually with how close they lived each moment of their lives.

"This is totally fucked up. You know that, right?"

"Yeah."

"This ends now. We fight to survive, not so you can do their job for them."

"Dean, it’s not that simple."

"No, it is. Just stop doing this."

"I don’t think I can."

And so they did what they did best. They ignored the elephant in the room and went on with their business… saving people, hunting things.

And Sam didn't stop. He just got more careful. Not about hiding, but about keeping it safe and clean. 

The thing about addiction is that you can’t force someone into recovery before they are ready. That’s why the panic room never would have worked the first time, even if Castiel hadn't let him out. He wasn't in the right state of mind to stay clean.

And Sam wasn't ready to stop this one until he completed the first trial. The mission became more important than the urge. The cleansing helped dampen the urge. He finally felt he was doing something of worth.


End file.
